Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Randomize
