I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
