My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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