my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
this must be what syphilis tastes like
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
