I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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