I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize