today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
