and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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