dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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