Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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