I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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