Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
it hurts more in the daytime
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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