i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
