Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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