Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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