I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
