My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
