20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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