I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
