i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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