I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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