my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
