my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Found the puke drawer
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
