Did you just see the Batmobile???
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
