Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
