a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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