it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
