woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
