She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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