Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Randomize
