just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
