I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
