wrigley field is MILF paradise
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
