Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
