Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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