i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
You're my little dorito
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
