Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize