he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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