then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
