someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Holy shit dude........stairs
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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