I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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