What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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