I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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