Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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