At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
