May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
