hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
