Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
