We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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