so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
