it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize