You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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