don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
