this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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