then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just gift wrapped bread.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
